Hey Fat Ass...Its Called The Customer Is Always Right!

Man...there is this restaurant around my house...okay that's a lie... there is this shack around my house that sales food. That place is so not a restaurant...anyway they only sale chicken, pizza puffs and french fries, nice combo I know, anywho the chicken is kind of high priced so every time my best friend and I go in there we buy pizza puffs. Only once we bought chicken and it was alright (on the chicken tip I prefer Coleman's or Joe's...its a Westside thang).

Monday Night

We went to "Da Shack" to get some pizza puffs, I will admit that they are good and cheap as hell but the fat ass dude up in there be trippin'. I guess his ass is the owner, he is always in there taking and fixing the orders, or maybe he is the owners dead beat brother or some ish. Now I'm gonna tell you something about me and my best friend Toni. Whenever we order from a restaurant no matter where it is we are always very polite to the people making the food. I don't want nothing suspicious happenin' to my food if you know what I mean. So I am always on some, "Yes please" or "Thank you so much" ish.

This big black bear-rilla in this joint though is rude as hell. We order 2 pizza puffs and this muthafucka walks off mumbling, "That's all anybody ever wants is pizza puffs, pizza puffs." Toni and I look at each other like, "What the fuck?" Okay we brush that shit off. Our order is up, so Toni asks for some more ketchup on her fries followed by a traditional please. King Kong mumbles some mo' shit..."Would you like a straw with that?" Okay at this point I am not a happy camper. That mighty Joe Young lookin' fucker was working my nerves. (Okay normally I don't use monkey references to describe the Black male but this dude looked like a gorilla...I'm sorry, it wouldn't matter what race or color he was...he was just big and animal like). I walked out that joint vowing to never go back again.

The point is how in the hell is old boy gon' get mad at us for liking one particular thang on the menu. Its not my fault that his chicken ain't hittin' on nothing. Where is the appreciation for even stopping by and showing some support. I could've just as easily stopped at the Arab joint round the corner or across the street for that matter but no I wanted to support the Black owned business. And what do I get in return a nasty ass attitude. Now I see why people come into those little fast food joints and say shit like, "Hey muthafucka, give me a umm gyro with cheese and don't be skimpy on the fries or Imma fuck you up." I used to think wow is that really necessary. I guess so in some joints. Maybe I will try that tactic with the Grinch who hates the pizza puffs.

Watch out, that grease is hot in the mad real world.

Liar, Liar Pants On Fire

My friend of four years has been lying to me for 4 years. This lady has to be the most elaborate liar I have ever met. Check this out, she had me believing that someone who doesn't exist, in fact does exist. Crazy right? I know.

For the entire duration of our friendship she has told me countless stories about her friend Steven (met him once and he is fine as HELL...so not an exaggeration) and his love triangle. Steven is married but has another woman on the side. His wife's name is Keisha and the other woman's name is April. According to the stories Keisha is a bad wife. She doesn't cook or clean very well and she is always running the streets. Now April on the other hand is an excellent cook, great housekeeper, and is very attentive to Steven. Most of the stories told were about how Keisha was horrible and April was perfect.

She told me that she met April and talks to her on the phone sometimes. Steven has asked her on several occasions to call up April and ask her to give him another chance. My friend does as Steven asks and April decides to keep seeing him. My friend told me she has become the great mediator and advisor to Steven on his situation with these two women. After claiming to have grown tired of this triangle she advised April to leave him alone, "If he ain't there for you like you want him to be, then leave his ass alone."

Year after year I heard this shit. About 6 or 7 months ago she told me that April had started seeing someone else and had decided to leave Steven alone, but there was a catch. April was seeing a friend of Steven's named Michael. New drama unfolded, Steven and Michael got into a fist fight over April. They are no longer friends because Michael says April is a good woman and Steven wasn't treating her right. That was the new triangle for a minute April, Michael, and Steven. Hell I forgot about Steven's wife.

April dumped Michael saying that it was just to much drama even though she was starting to fall for him. Michael was crushed and blamed Steven for messing up a good woman. Recently she told me April packed up and moved out of state to Texas. April wanted a new start away from all of this drama. Good for her I thought to myself, its finally over...Sike. Steven is still calling my friend and telling her how much he misses April and wishes he had her back. He wants to find her.

I could really tell y'all a billion other stories but like I said there are 4 years worth and I don't have the patience nor the time to jot it all down. Anyway, the other day we were sitting in my friend's car talking. I shared some things with her and she dropped a bomb on me.

She turned and said to me, "There is something I need to tell you." I said, "What, that that message your husband heard on your phone was for you?" (Recently her husband heard a message on her cell phone that said, "Hey babe call me." She denied it was for her to me and him) She said, "Yeah, it was for me, guess who it was?" I started naming names, I know of a couple of guys who have a crush on her.

"Tim."
"No."
"Walter?"
"No."
"Umm...Antonio?"
"No."
"Well hell I can't think of nobody else, except for....but it couldn't be..."
"Except for who?"
"There is only one other person left and it can't be him... Can it?"
"Say it."
"STEVEN?"
She smiled and said, "YES!.... I am April."
"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"

At that point my brain went hay wirer all the stories started flashing through my head. I had a picture in my head what this April woman looked like from the description my friend had given me. I had to erase her ass and replace her with my friend. My brain had to reboot. Even when I think of some of the stories now I see April not my friend. It took me like 30 minutes to get myself together. I just looked at her laughed and shook my head. The most elaborate string of lies I've ever witnessed. Then stuff began to stick out, there were clues the entire time. And all of sudden it began to make sense. I could have figured it out if I hadn't been so naive. There were plenty of hints especially recently. I was speechless and I still am. All I can say is WOW!

She said in the beginning she didn't want to tell me because of our age difference. She is in her mid 30's (as are quite a few of my friends) and I am in my early 20's. I was only 19 when we became friends, so she found a way to tell me without actually telling me. She wanted to wait until I was older, she said, she didn't think I could handle it. I kind of understand, but this is all so strange to me. I just shook my head in disbelief.

Beware of the smoke and mirrors in the mad real world.

Thank God Groove Tagged Me...

OK...


I am so happy to be tagged today...I swear I need a break from my own shit.
Let's get this party started...




Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die...

1. Direct an Oscar winning action blockbuster
2. Have a ridiculously extravagant wedding (put Star Jones on her ass big)
3. Have children who look just as good, if not better than their mother
4. Go To Brazil
5. Make it home from Brazil safely...lol
6. Make sure everyone I love and hold dearly knows it
7. Get a tattoo...I'll wait till about 45 to do that...lol

Things I Can Do

1. Tell A Joke (There were these 2 hillbillies...)
2. Step...And turn
   
3. Listen
4. Write (I write better when I am mad)
5. Be A Great Friend...Through thick and thin all the way to the end.
6. Laugh at Life (I can find the humor in anything, but sometimes it gets hard to find)
7. Paint/Draw/Be Creative

Things I Can't Do

1. Be As Hostile In Person As I Am On My Blog
2. Cry (I hate to cry)
3. Slap random people for looking at me stupid
   
4. Kill all the members of the KKK
5. Tell the random Nigerians who find me through yahoo to step the fuck off, yes I know I am the most beautiful woman you have ever seen but I am still not going to marry your black ass. What the hell man, I watched Hotel Rwanda they ain't about to mistake my yellow ass for no Tutsi.
6. Keep something from my mother for to long
7. Go Back To An Ex Boyfriend...no get backs ya dumb mutha...shut yo mouth

Things I Say The Most...

1. Okey Dokie
2. Whatever
3. Yo Puss Ass
4. Boo-boo kitty kitty (got that ish from my little cousins now I'm callin' everyone Boo-boo kitty-kitty)
5. Really?
6. Right
7. Ya Know

Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex...

1. Strength (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual) or in the words of Shug Avery "I don't needs me a weak lil boy, that can't tell his daddy no...I needs me a man, ya hear? A man...and I don't wanna smell no gotdamn stankin' pipe, Albert."
   
2. Adaptability (Can you go from the boardroom to the hood and make the transformation look easy?)
3. A Great Smile (how is dem teef?)
4. Intelligence
5. Creativity
6. The ability to shut the fuck up..."you know you talks to much and you never shut up"
7. Looks

Celebrity Crushes

1. Lennox Lewis (He'll whoop some ass with that English accent)
   
2. Maxwell (Puerto Rican and Black...I'll take that)
   
3. Micheal McDonald (don't ask)
4. Jason Scott Lee (the best mix of Hawaiian and Chinese I've ever seen, google him)
5. Isaiah Washington (I loved him in Romeo Must Die and Love Jones)
   
6. Brad Pitt
   
7. Judge Greg Mathis (there would be no order in the court if I were there)

Tag, you are all it in the mad real world.

I've Officially Lost My Mind

Guess who is going to be reporting to the nut house...That's right me. I am going to sign myself in tomorrow. The stresses of this world have finally gotten the best of me.

I must be coo-coo.

I have always been a woman in control who knows generally what she wants, but not anymore. I've had an out of body experience recently, had something happen that made me leave my own body and watch the scene unfold as if I were watching a movie. The movie I was watching was familiar though, I had a dream that was very similar to it 3 hours before it happened.

I have officially snapped.

The movie sucked but it was as I expected, and what I wanted to see, but it still sucked. When I thought it was about to be a blockbuster it was just a let down, I had already figured out the plot. This is weird, strange, and I am lost...Maybe I should check this movie out again...I must have misunderstood the point.

I'll never eat another taco again in the mad real world.

Awwe...Are Those For Me?

This will be the shortest blog I have ever written.

The outing was over...he thought it was a date...I told him in the beginning it wasn't.
I was about to get out of the car.
He said to me, "Wait, I got you some flowers." I thought to myself, "Flowers...um okay."
He reached in the backseat and pulled out a bundle of baby's breath wrapped in clear plastic.
I ask myself even now, "Where are the flowers?"

(For those of you who don't know baby's breath are the tiny little white flowers that accompany floral arrangements...they are very tiny...check out the picture. Everyone has seen them but you hardly pay them any attention. They are not meant to be given alone.)

I told him, "Thanx." I held my composure when I got out of the car, but laughed my ass off when I got in the house. All I can say is, "WHAT THE HELL?" Somebody explain this shit to me...PLEASE!

The slow bus is packed in the mad real world.

I Ain't Datin' No Church Members

For all the regular readers y'all know I go off every now and then but today I'm 'bout to get real ignorant.
Please be advised this may not be suitable for all audiences.

I have another problem y'all besides the addiction to violent video games. My problem will probably get me in trouble, but hell I have to keep it real. Well here goes...

DEEP BREATH

My name is Namelia and I don't trust or want to date men who go to church.

Okay I know y'all are thinking, "what the hell?" or "girl you are totally ass backwards." But I straight up don't trust them dudes. It's so funny because I didn't even realize that I really didn't date men who go to church until this dude tried to holla.

This man is in church every Sunday, faithfully, hell he is probably there now, and he told me he loves the Lord. Sounds good right...WRONG!! This dude is a straight up ho. Now I don't doubt his love for the Lord but he has seriously misunderstood His teachings. Ho-ing (if you will) is not described as a good way to get on the Lord side in the Bible, if I'm not mistaken (trust me I'm not)
So the whore of Babylon tried to holla, no biggie right, that doesn't mean every man in church is a ho. That is true it doesn't, but it has helped me to realize that I discriminate. But then I have to ask myself where did I get this idea that dating a man who is in church is a bad idea....Let me think hmmm where did I get that idea? *Lightbulb* I know where I got that idea from CHURCH!

I spent the first 15 years of my life in this church on the Westside (the best side) of Chicago and that is where the root of my prejudice developed. Once upon a time that church was a safe haven, a place of worship, but over the years something happened...it changed, I changed, something changed, or maybe my eyes were just opened as I got older. As a child I was an observer, I didn't speak much in social settings, only spoke when spoken to (I talk to much now I need to get back to listening) I just watched people. The more I watched the more I learned. What I began to learn in the church aside from the good stuff was that there was a whole shitty river of garbage that ran through it. (Man I could so put a ton of people on blast right now but I won't) Y'all know the stories anyway its the same in every church. If you have ever attended a church regularly you know what I'm speaking about and if you go/went to church regularly and say you don't know, you are either lying or not paying attention.
Everybody knows when Deacon Smith, who is married, is getting busy with Sister Johnson. Everybody knows that Minister Jones is a ho with 6 kids and 4 different babies' daddies with another on the way minus a wedding ring. And everybody knows that Tyrone "Work It Girl" Williams is gay, no he is not gay, he is flamin' gay (One step from being a woman).

Somewhere among all of this I decided that these negroes are crazy and the reason they are in church is because they need some serious help. So while most are calling themselves trying to "get right" they are at the church acting like monkeys in a barrel, hindering each other instead of helping. Anywho, I grow tired of typing about these fools be on look out for part two, I gotta run I'mma be late for church...lol

Its offering time, get them bills ready I don't want to hear any change rattling in the mad real world.

Men In Jail Say The Darndest Things...

My uncle is back in jail for the hundredth time. He hasn't learned yet and he is about to be 43 years old. He called collect from "Da County" (Cook County Jail for those unfamiliar). He made me call his boss on three way. His boss is a 27 year old who runs the spot. He told him how much it would cost to get him out, $1,500. Dude said he would see what he could do, which means he will probably leave him in there because I am sure my uncle isn't a priority. To tell you the truth, hell I would leave his old ass in there too. I'm sure he is not his most valuable seller. That old ass nigga ain't getting no drug dealer awards. But anyway all of that was the normal part of the story. I'm sad that is normal but anyway...

I hang up with my uncle and he calls right back. He asks me to call another number. Now I am thinking to myself who in the hell could he possibly be trying to call now. When he tells me the area code I realize that it is a Joliet number. Anyway I call it, a white broad answers the phone, and my uncle gives the phone to some other nigga in jail named Dante'.

Alright so let's do a quick recap. My uncle, in jail, calls me collect asking me to make phone calls for him then hangs up and calls back and has me make a phone call for his new jail house buddy. Yeah my uncle has a lot of nerve...I bet you I won't be accepting not "nan nother one."

Anyway, Dante dumbass gets on the phone and starts explaining to this white broad that he needs $5,000 by nine o'clock pm or else they are going to keep him in jail. (To tell y'all the truth I was laughing the whole time I was on the phone hearing this shit) The white broad wasn't trying to hear it. She kept going on and on about how there was no money left (she sounded like a hype, she probably smoked it all up) and then she said I told you nobody loved you but me all of your friends are just going to leave you in there. This bitch was teasing his black ass, like she was trying to teach him a lesson. Then Dante' started begging and hollering (watch how I type this next part to indicate how he sounded...lowercase for begging and pleading, uppercase for hollering)

"baby please come and get me, I CAN'T STAY IN HERE, baby please hurry, GODDAMNIT I CAN'T STAY IN HERE, baby I don't care about the money or the other stuff, JUST GET ME OUT AHH! (Yeah the nigga started hollering...like screaming) baby is you gon' do it? I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO JUST GET ME OUT, TONIGHT I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YO ASS, FUCK ALL THAT VISIT SHIT, GET ME OUT!!!! so baby is you gon' do it?"

I was laughing my ass off, I'm thinking this nigga is crazy ass hell. It was like listening to Theo from the Cosby show sing that song "Justine, Justine" mixed with some crazy Hulk Hogan shit. I was thinking he can't control himself please hurry up and get his black ass out. Here is five dollars shit...the entertainment he just gave me was worth at least that much.

After all that the white broad told his ass she would see. Let me tell you his ass is still in there and I will tell you how I know. The white broad called me back at 8:57pm, (3 minutes before the deadline) her smoked out ass couldn't remember why my number was on her caller id...I jogged her memory. Then she asked me, "Do you think if I had brought the money down there by nine they would have let him out?" I told her, "I don't know,"and she replied "Oh well."

Please don't drop the soap if you don't want to get poked in the mad real world. LMAO!

I AM OUTRAGED...John Singleton...Why I ought to.....

Alright y'all know John Singleton made a movie called "Four Brothers"...yeah yeah yeah whoopi but what you didn't know is that this man had the nerve to use my name as one of the character's names. After 23 years of originality and being the sole owner of my name, this man has possibly exposed my name to billions okay maybe just millions, there by causing an uprising in the popularity of my name.
The name by the way is Namelia and please don't see this name and think it is cute and name your bastard child after me...I promise to hunt down every child with this name and put them in a holding cell where I will use brain washing tactics to help them forget their name and then I will do the same to their parents. After I have finished that task I will hack into the computer systems of the world and change all of their names to Kelly, Tiffany, or Stephanie.

What a plan. Okay I am trippin' but I have had my name all to myself and I liked it that way.

I like being original in the mad real world.

The Envelope Please...And the Winner is...

The New Miss Black USA 2005 is Celi Marie Dean.










The runners up from left to right ...
1st Runner Up - Miss Black North Carolina - Rhonda Patterson, 2nd Runner Up - Miss Black Texas - Carmilla Davis, 3rd Runner Up - Miss Black Virginia - Kristy Chance, 4th Runner Up - Miss Black Kentucky - Shakaola BlackburnThe top ten were rounded out by Miss Black Arkansas - Katrina Steward, Miss Black Arizona - Rachel Wilhite, Miss Black Nevada - Janeen Phelps, Miss Black New York - Aquabah Gonney, and Miss Oklahoma - Ashley Harris.

Personally I thought Miss Black Nevada was going to win but then I looked at all the pictures from the preliminary rounds and she was just to fly for her own good. People don't like to be out shined and she was doing a lot of stuntin', but they shouldn't hate. She is still a winner in my book.

While checking out the Miss Black USA website I stumbled across this picture.Its the winner Celi Dean with the Miss Black USA 2005 Scholarship Pageant President, Nicola Black...lol..."me and ole' Cola, I call her Cola because"...(far right) Chair, Rev. Yolanda Sampson...if she looses her hair she'll lose her strength (far left), and the Executive Director of Pageant Relations, Karen Lyew (right of Sampson). Is it just me or do all of these women including the winner look alike...not to mention they are all wearing pink.

Can we get a splash of Jill, Lauryn, Erykah or maybe some Indie.Arie in these pageants? Wait, wait, wait. I already know the answer to that question. NO!

Ladies keep your pressing combs hot and close in the mad real world.

"THEY LOVE ME, THEY REALLY LOVE ME!" (The crowd goes wild)

MISS BLACK USA





This chick I know won Miss Black Illinois. She is now competing in the Miss Black USA pageant which is being held this weekend. They will pick a new queen Sunday August 7. Wow that's really news right. SIKE! I really didn't think people did these sort of things, okay in the back of mind I guess I always knew they had these "events", but I have never known anyone who was involved.
Now that I know someone who is involved it sparked me to do some research on this ish. I wanted to know what these women get if they win and if there are any famous past winners. Well I didn't find any well know winners and I was very disappointed when I found out what the queen wins.Check this out... the new Miss Black USA 2005 gets:

1. $5,000 Scholarship (I can go to Harvard with that),
2. to be the new face of Flora Roberts (who?),
   
3. a fur coat valued at $8,000 (we still killing animals...I'm calling PETA),
4. a trip to the Bahamas,
5. a portrait by Jackie Hicks (what if I have a pimple that day...Will she correct that?),
6. 1 year Bally's Total Fitness (they want to make sure the winner stays skinny throughout her reign),
7. a personal home gym (okay they are already going to Bally's... This is just over kill),
8. a gift basket from Motions Hair (got to keep that kitchen in order if you are going to be reppin' Miss Black USA),
9. a gift basket from Warm Spirit valued at $75,
10. a monthly signature care from Warm Spirit valued at $600,
11. a Warm Spirit Basic Kit valued at $99.95 (okay I don't know who in the hell Warm Spirit is but they're giving away a lot of shit)

I don't know why but I was expecting something a bit more worth the while. I guess it's cool but I need just a bit more incentive to strut across a stage in 3 inch or higher stilettos. I guess I just expect to much.We need to send around a collection plate to get the dollar value of the scholarship up in the mad real world.