Neighbor Diaries - The Humpy Hump

My upstairs neighbors are ugly. My ugly neighbors have sex every other night. Hearing ugly people have sex repulses me. Ugly people having sex is the hell on earth for a visually creative person such as myself. At 12:01am the rapid squeaking of the bed starts and my brain paints the pictures. I see her cake-top jiggling while her skinny knock knees are locked around his miniature figure. I visualize his crater face passionately kissing her horse mouth. Her teeth touch his lips 5 seconds before her lips do. This nightmare lasts and eternity or 8 minutes in reality. Puke.

I know these ugly people know we can hear that headboard. They have something to prove. The ugly people are screaming loud and proud, "YES, UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX TOO!" Well this post is my scream back. Your ugly love making is a menace. You are cruel ugly people to subject me to your ugly passion.

So what's the solution for me and my peace of mind? I've contemplated playing Digital Underground's "Humpty Hump" loudly every time they get started. I've also thought about just saying to them, "You know I can hear you having sex, right? I heard you Tuesday, I heard you Thursday and I'm sure I'll hear you on Saturday." Maybe I'll just play along and add my own sex sounds, "Oh yeah! Give it to me crater! A little faster short daddy super speed ain't fast enough for me!! Ride it bucky baby show that little man what cake is all about!! YOU GUYS WERE GREAT!!

No sex is better than ugly sex in the mad real world.