Neighbor Diaries : Enter the Dragon

I think my neighbor should be a drag queen. No that's not right. My neighbor is a drag queen he just doesn't know it yet. Trust me. It's a hard assessment to make, to look at someone and see a drag queen screaming to come out. I want to speak to her and say "Hunty, why on earth are you under protective custody? Check ya email! Get yo life! Cause She can see you from two planets away Boo-Boo." In my Quad-Mariah-Tamar Language.

Young Dragon, at age 19. He has locks and a full Tom Sellick mustache.
His pants are a 24 waist or some skinny number and they flood. Set sail baby!
His shirts are over sized and hang almost to his knees.
His socks are white and his shoes are black, thank you Mr. Rogers'.
If you speak to him he mumbles hi and his body says don't see me.  He's timid.
Oh I see you girl. He had a hard time in high school. The strange and unusual make better adults.
 
Twirl, he would be gone with the wind fabulous. Will this caterpillar transform or am I watching a dud?

He's either Dragon or lone gun man in the mad real world.

Neighbor Diaries - The Humpy Hump

My upstairs neighbors are ugly. My ugly neighbors have sex every other night. Hearing ugly people have sex repulses me. Ugly people having sex is the hell on earth for a visually creative person such as myself. At 12:01am the rapid squeaking of the bed starts and my brain paints the pictures. I see her cake-top jiggling while her skinny knock knees are locked around his miniature figure. I visualize his crater face passionately kissing her horse mouth. Her teeth touch his lips 5 seconds before her lips do. This nightmare lasts and eternity or 8 minutes in reality. Puke.

I know these ugly people know we can hear that headboard. They have something to prove. The ugly people are screaming loud and proud, "YES, UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX TOO!" Well this post is my scream back. Your ugly love making is a menace. You are cruel ugly people to subject me to your ugly passion.

So what's the solution for me and my peace of mind? I've contemplated playing Digital Underground's "Humpty Hump" loudly every time they get started. I've also thought about just saying to them, "You know I can hear you having sex, right? I heard you Tuesday, I heard you Thursday and I'm sure I'll hear you on Saturday." Maybe I'll just play along and add my own sex sounds, "Oh yeah! Give it to me crater! A little faster short daddy super speed ain't fast enough for me!! Ride it bucky baby show that little man what cake is all about!! YOU GUYS WERE GREAT!!

No sex is better than ugly sex in the mad real world.

Neighbor Diaries - You're not fully clean unless you're...

I'm 31 years old. I've lived in 9 different neighborhoods but number 10 is my favorite. I live in the United States of America, in the state of Illinois, in the city of Chicago, in the neighborhood of Humboldt Park. Humboldt Park is the HOOD to most Puerto Ricans but it's a neighborhood in Chicago that is changing. It's one of the "up and coming" areas of the city. ("Up and coming" just means that White people are moving into the area) However, with the changes you still have a few OGs that own property and will not be moving anytime soon. 

Enter my neighbors, they own the entire block or at least that's how they feel. Collectively as a family they own at least 3 properties on this block and I'm told, by an insider, at one point they owned 7. You may catch them sitting on your car or sitting on your porch or raking your grass and picking up trash. Being Puerto Rican and Black they often show me a culture of hoodlife that I am not completely use to but must admit that I am familiar with. Some of this stuff I've seen before but they are definitely adding some interesting twists and turns. 

Today, I witnessed my neighbor taking a shower in the fire hydrant. (Pause: Read that sentence again) He had his soap and he had his towel. He was lathered up from head to toe. He made sure to clean his balls by rubbing profusely in his shorts with his soapy towel. He attacked his balls as if he left them in the sewer all night and needed them to pass a board of health inspection this morning. He scrubbed as if he was going for that Orbit's gum clean glisten. 

Now I know what you're thinking, "LIES, ALL LIES!" No this is not a lie, this is not some creative writing project either. This is scrub-a-dub-dub in the mad real world - neighbor diaries.