To Hell With It All...As the tears run down my face.
I'm seriously considering abandoning my home. There are to many people watching me, anticipating my next move. "What will she do next?" they are all saying. I don't have an answer to that question. "But she's so smart why isn't she....?" I don't have an answer to that question either.
It seems like everyone is in agreement that my life isn't productive enough. Last night my mother said she was disappointed that I haven't done more by now. I don't have an answer to why I haven't done more or accomplished more. As the oldest it appears that I am supposed to be all knowing and be a trailblazer. I guess my trail hasn't blazed far enough. They say I should have been born last. I am the last to do everything. Why wasn't I born last?
If I had somewhere to go I would walk out of this house right now. I'm tired of everyone saying that I am contrastive, different. I am a failure here, a waste. I am seriously considering living with my father for a while until I can get on my feet but I'm not sure if I want to open that box. It would get me out of this city. A city that I love so much but it seems to be doing me no good. California might offer a good change.
I have no direction, no motivation, I wish I could find a reason to why this is. I wish I had something to blame it on, an excuse, an out. I have nothing. Its just me being me. I want to isolate myself from them. I need to remove them from my mind and make a move in a direction. What will I do? I haven't the first clue. Tomorrow is a new day I need to remember to treat it that way.
You want to reach the top then go for the stars you can't AimHigher in the mad real world.
It seems like everyone is in agreement that my life isn't productive enough. Last night my mother said she was disappointed that I haven't done more by now. I don't have an answer to why I haven't done more or accomplished more. As the oldest it appears that I am supposed to be all knowing and be a trailblazer. I guess my trail hasn't blazed far enough. They say I should have been born last. I am the last to do everything. Why wasn't I born last?
If I had somewhere to go I would walk out of this house right now. I'm tired of everyone saying that I am contrastive, different. I am a failure here, a waste. I am seriously considering living with my father for a while until I can get on my feet but I'm not sure if I want to open that box. It would get me out of this city. A city that I love so much but it seems to be doing me no good. California might offer a good change.
I have no direction, no motivation, I wish I could find a reason to why this is. I wish I had something to blame it on, an excuse, an out. I have nothing. Its just me being me. I want to isolate myself from them. I need to remove them from my mind and make a move in a direction. What will I do? I haven't the first clue. Tomorrow is a new day I need to remember to treat it that way.
You want to reach the top then go for the stars you can't AimHigher in the mad real world.
posted by Anonymous at 1:50 AM
7 Comments:
things gonna be all right! cheer up!
Just make sure the things and people you leave are ones you want to leave behind.
Maybe it is time to detatch from family, but ask yourself this question: What exactly do I want to do and where?
And with whom?
I'm sure if one reaches out the answers will come in due time.
Twelve years ago, I was about 22 years old. I was aimless, kicked out of college, working sorting returnable bottles at a grocery store and living with a woman who didn't respect me for obvious reasons. I am on a complete 180 and I was EXTREMELY hopeless. It didn't take me 12 years, only 2. I'm not saying this to ride my own dick, I just know that you'll be able to read this blog entry in a year or two and laugh it off. Keep striving.
KZ
challenging place to be in ... dont worry you will get thru this ... and when you get thru it you will release it was not as challenging as you thought it was -- just part of the process
I agree with Hassan... if you make a move, make sure you don't move away from things you really care about. Sometimes we have to step back from family. They mean well, but sometimes they can be part of the problem not the solution. And as much as they love you, somethings you gotta do for yourself.
Don't make any moves without consideration, whatever you do.
A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use.
~ Carlos Castaneda (b. 1931)
American writer, author, Journey to Ixtlan, Politics of Experience
I found this quote and thought it might help:)
I've been there and it wasn't too long ago. You're going through the 20-something slump. It seems that what ever decisions you make right now, could affect the rest of your life. THIS IS NOT TRUE. I know you don't want to hear this, but it's something MANY early 20somethings go through.
Everything happens for a reason. Utilize the free time you have to discover things about yourself. It will help you in future. Hang in there girl and always remember: THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE UNIVERSE WHO WOULD KILL TO BE IN YOUR SHOES.
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